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The following item isn’t a joke. I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried.

This is a press release from CBS College Sports concerning the Collegiate Nationals Eating Championship. I swear, I’m not kidding.

CBS College Sports Network has partnered with the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters (AICE) to stage and broadcast the first-ever Collegiate Nationals Eating Championship. The top collegiate eaters will compete in a “picnic style” competition from the Wave House at Mission Beach, San Diego on Saturday, April 19. Competitors will consume plates of “college food,” which include cheeseburgers, hot dogs and french fries. The 2008 Eating Championship will crown the first ever collegiate eating champion, and is part of the third annual Collegiate Nationals, a first-of-its kind event that crowns national champions in 11 events.
1. Extensive television coverage of the Collegiate Nationals kicks-off with a special one-hour program airing on CBS Sports on Sunday, May 25 (2:00 PM, ET). The show will launch eight consecutive days of Olympic-style programming on CBS College Sports Network, followed by individual sport highlight shows.
“With cheeseburgers, hot dogs and french fries on the plate, eaters will have to decide the most academic and advantageous way to attack the three different food types,” said Arnie Chapman, Chairman, Association of Independent Competitive Eaters. “Students have been challenging each other in food competitions for a long time, and this event will determine the nation’s best collegiate food warrior. We’re thrilled to be part of the Collegiate Nationals and look forward to further showcasing competitive eating to a national audience. The competition will be as big as their appetites.”
The 2008 Collegiate Nationals Eating Championship will adhere to “picnic style” rules that do not allow the competitors to dunk, mush, mash or mutilate the food. The event features eight competitors, including AICE’s top four collegiate eaters: No. 1-seeded Christian “Muscox” McCarthy (University of Kentucky), No. 2-seeded “Iron” Pete Czerwinski, (McMasters University - Hamilton, Ontario), No. 3-seeded Casey “Powerhouse” Poehlmann (Montgomery County Community College - Bluebell, Pa.) and No. 4-seeded Brian “Eaten” Keaton (University of Maryland). The other four participants will be decided on Friday, April 18 during a qualifying competition held at RT’s Longboard Grill in San Diego. Profiles of the top seeded eaters are included below.

Top-seeded Christian “Muscox” McCarthy hails from the University of Kentucky. As a college senior, “Muscox” has several claims to fame. As the former National Strawberry Eating Champion and former New Jersey Italian sub record holder (a prestige he earned by barreling through six fully loaded ¾-pound Italian Subs in only 10 minutes), “Muscox” is a formidable obstacle for any challenger. “Muscox’s” varied eating accomplishments include eating 194 chicken wings at a Lexington Hooters and placing third in the Southern States Beef Patty Eating Championship in Union City Georgia in May of 2006.
1. Second-seeded Pete Czerwinski is a Canadian attending McMasters University in Ontario. Previously known as “Furious Pete,” he was recently anointed “Iron Pete” due to his status as a bodybuilder. The Collegiate Nationals Eating Championship will be his first real competition, though he is no stranger to intense eating. Judging by his bodybuilder physique, one would be surprised to learn that Czerwinski broke the world record for the 72 ounce steak, which he ate in seven minutes. He also ate a 106 ounce steak in 30 minutes, and holds the record for most bananas eaten in two minutes (18), among other things. As he generates more and more buzz on the eating circuit, we can surely expect a furious fight from “Iron Pete.”
The third seed is Carey “Powerhouse” Poehlmann, a Navy submarine division veteran and Montgomery County Community College student. He holds several regional titles in wings, pierogies, which he ate 20 large ones in less than two minutes, and hot dogs. He’s also eaten five pounds of strawberries in seven minutes. With a passion for competitive eating, other warriors will have to watch out for Poehlmann at the Wave House.
The final seed is the University of Maryland’s Brian “Eatin’” Keaton. In 2006 “Eatin’” Keaton captured the Amateur division of the National Windmill ¼ pound Hot Dog Eating Championship. Having competed in several eating competitions involving popular college foods similar to those at the Collegiate Nationals, “Eatin’” Keaton is certainly prepared. Considering his confidence when it comes to the supremacy of his stomach, as well as when it comes to the ladies, eaters better watch out for this competitor.

What’s next, the Collegiate Drinking Contest? Either CBS College Sports thinks this is serious competition, or it is desperate for programming